I avoided writing this because I struggled with using my postpartum depression as an excuse for my weight gain, for my work and really anything that was going “wrong” in my life. However, in all honesty, my postpartum experience really shook me in a way that rocked my world. I have a hard time even talking about it without getting emotional because I feel that postpartum depression stole so much from me! As a first time mom, I had no idea what to expect. I was completely new to the entire thing and thought it would be so much different than it was. Postpartum was NOTHING like I expected it to be (and that’s ok), but man… I felt like I should have been warned.
Trigger warning: some topics I discuss in this post will not be happy. I am writing the REAL and RAW feelings I felt during this time. Thankfully, I never wanted to hurt Violet or myself, but I do discuss hatred towards being a mother at the time. If that is something you wish to not read, I understand and respect that. I DO NOT feel that way now and know those feelings weren’t “real.”
Looking back, I get really upset because of how crippling the depression was for me. I feel shame and guilt for what I felt in those moments. I feel like I lost a year of time with my daughter that I cannot get back. I was so depressed and quite frankly, not at all happy with my role as a new mom. I “believed” during that time I hated being a mom and Violet had robbed me of who I was, and all I was good for was sitting at home and feeding a baby. I remember bawling in the middle of the night wishing I had never become a mom and thinking how much I hated it. I know those feelings aren’t real, but they felt real at the time, and my heart breaks thinking I ever felt that way in the first place. I wish I could have just enjoyed the time with her that I had. Fast forward to the present – I am doing so much better and am loving the role I have as a mom to Violet. I couldn’t imagine not being her mom and our bond is amazing. I can happily say, I am loving being a mom right now. Yes it has it challenges, but once I made it to the other side, I truly saw how beautiful and amazing motherhood is!
I have had depression and been medicated for many years before I got pregnant, and to my surprise I was mentally ok during the entirety of my pregnancy. I honestly thought I was going to be a hot mess! It wasn’t until after I gave birth when I really started to have depressive thoughts and feelings. Feelings that lasted for a year postpartum. I still have moments where I struggle, but it is unclear whether that is the normal, day-to-day depression I struggle with or if it’s related to PPD.
My labor and delivery was honestly a smooth process. I didn’t have any issues or anything majorly traumatic happen so the postpartum depression was truly situational and hormonal! It didn’t all start until we got home and what I thought we had prepared wasn’t helpful at all. We were scrambling!!! Violet was screaming and I was attempting to nurse her with no success because I “thought” I had it down in the hospital, but I didn’t.
The three main things I struggled with the most: breastfeeding, extreme hunger, and weight gain.
I wanted breastfeeding to work SOOOOOO bad to the point I made myself mentally ill over it. I bled and cracked for 2 months, and with Violet nursing close to an hour per feed, I felt I was constantly nursing over and over again. A never-ending cycle. I hyper obsessed about her weight, how much she was growing, how much milk she was consuming. I even bought a scale so I could weigh her before and after every single feeding. It was not healthy to say the least, and I realize that. I was on the verge of quitting so many times, and the amount of times I cried about it really ruined me. I didn’t know who I was anymore. But then, one day it magically got better and we were able to breastfeed seamlessly (thankfully). Looking back, I wish I would not have been so hard on myself and utilized formula more to save my sanity. Hindsight is 20/20 right?
Another thing I struggled mentally with was the hunger I had breastfeeding. I know that breastfeeding can either help women lose weight or hold onto weight. For me personally, I gained weight. I was the heaviest I had ever been, and it did take a toll on my mental health (especially considering my job as a dietitian). The fat comments on my content didn’t really help (and I still get them). I struggled with daily binge eating from the hunger and felt like food controlled me. It was all I thought about. I would eat a meal and be hungry an hour later and that was nonstop. I tried so hard to lose weight and it never really worked until I weaned. I don’t love admitting that my weight controlled my emotions, but it did. It was hard to feel good in my body. I felt like my body wasn’t mine anymore. I have always been able to track my macros and lose weight, but it just seemed impossible and I felt like a fraud as a health professional.
I call the feeling of losing my identity an identify crisis. That is truly what I had. All I was: Mom. I had worked my butt off to become a Registered Dietitian and build my practice form the ground up. I felt that I could no longer have that and it was all stolen from me at the time. I wanted to be more than just “mom”… I wanted to have my own identity and purpose, too.
When it came to my marriage, I felt that my husband got off easy in this. I was the one who had to make all the sacrifices, and he could just continue on with his life like nothing changed. I was starting to hold onto resentment because of it and I know that was wrong. I remember one day I got so upset because he had made plans with friends without even thinking about the fact he had a baby. If I wanted to make plans, I had to bend over backwards to figure out who would be with Violet, and how she would eat, etc. This was hard for me at first, but with therapy and working with Michael, I was able to let go of the resentment I felt and we now are stronger than ever.
What helped get me over the hump:
- My mindset: I had to change my mindset from “this is what I lost” to “look what I have gained”. And it took way longer than I like to admit! I clung so hard on what I was giving up and losing and didn’t see the miracle that was right in front of me- my perfect daughter! A little tiny human I created. I felt like I lost my entire identity like I was nothing more than just “mom” and I wanted to be so much more than a mom. Now I see that I can be mom first as well as a dietitian, a wife, a friend, and so much more. It’s not all-or-nothing! I’ve been focusing on looking at what I have gained from becoming a mom which has made my life so much more enjoyable.
- Finding my mom crew: this took me a bit because I was lonely, sad and depressed. I struggled finding my tribe because at the time of Violet’s birth, 2 of my closest friends had moved away, and I struggled to find anybody who I could relate to. I felt like I was the only one who didn’t enjoy motherhood. Once I started getting plugged into Facebook mom groups, I started going to events and meeting other moms. I now have some really solid friendships I rely on and that has helped more than anything!
- Asking for help: I leaned on my mom and sister a lot. When I was having trouble alone at home, I called my mom and sister. I know not everyone has a village nearby, so I totally understand how this might be challenging for some. It has made me truly appreciate my people more and more.
- Therapy: I had just started with a new therapist at the time, but I knew I needed it (I am still seeing her now). She really helped me shift my mindset regarding my identity and all of the thoughts I was having. We worked on how I could make friends, implement self care, and other super helpful coping mechanisms.
- Time: I had to live it and learn and that only comes with time. Every month I was able to slowly figure out how to do this “mom thing” and my routine shifted and molded as I learned. It does get better, I promise!
- My Faith: I really had to lean on God during this time and through HIM he openened my eyes to the gift that is motherhood.
If you made it this far, thank you. I struggled wanting to talk about this, but I know that somebody out there reading has felt the same way. I wish to help at least just one person. If you are currently struggling with postpartum depression, please know you are not alone and there are resources for you. Please reach out to your OBGYN and consider therapy as well. I really couldn’t have gotten through to the other side if I didn’t have my village and my team. Also, I am just a DM away, so if you want to chat, please message me, I am here for you!!!
XOXO, Beks
